I just finished reading the most recent post from Chad who was describing his recent experiences of Cancer, Death and Hope of a family friend. The musings of Chad always draw me in regardless of the topic, but this one hit home …and hard. Just last week I was forced to re-live the events of my mother’s death with questions from my best friend, who I turned down because I broke down crying in public. Reading Chad’s post has triggered those feelings again. It’s time to explore this for my own sanity. Baby steps.

I think the hardest line for me to read was that he accepts pain and suffering as facts of life. This is a topic I see myself struggling with. Like Chad, I accept that death is not an end but a transition (at least that is what I choose to believe). But suffering of any kind I cannot accept, and is possibly the reason I struggle with the events surrounding my mother’s last 10-15 years of life, or what could better be described as one long painful struggle with M.S.

The attachment to God, or hope, is something that I also saw first hand from my experiences with my Mum. The mention of this lady’s smile in Chad’s post also brought to mind the day I knew my Mum had but weeks to live. I held her hand, looked her in the eyes and I said ‘I love you’. Even though I was forcing away the tears and feeling my heart rip in two, seeing her face light up at my words, she gave me such a loving smile despite her total loss of function from M.S. That moment I will treasure forever.

Perhaps there are just some experiences in life that we will never get over, they are just too strong to ever leave us. It has nearly been three years since her death. I still have not been able to watch Kill Bill 2, the movie I was watching when I got the phone call. Everytime I pick up the DVD my heart tears just a little and I am forced to put it back on the shelf for a day when I am stronger. There are some questions in life, like those surrounding prolonged suffering, which I believe no-one has any answers to. I’ve cried so many tears. I’ve thought about every possible ‘reason’. No matter what I do I always end up back here. If I ever find a way out of this vicious circle, I will let you know. Until then, on with life for yet another day.